Welcome to Day 23 of the 30 Days of Forgiveness. //

Hello, Love

A few mornings ago I woke up with an old memory.

It was a memory of my final year of chiropractic practice, and a situation occurred where I chose not to uphold the highest level of integrity.

This memory washed over me with a wave of disgrace, and for once, I just sat there and allowed myself to feel all of the feelings that accompanied it.

I realized at some point that I was telling myself things that were not true. I was telling myself that because this happened I wasn’t a person of integrity. I told myself there must have been some point where I lost my integrity, and now I had to prove myself. My mind started searching for all the things I’ve done wrong, and boy, could it find them.

As I sat and went through an InnerBonding practice, I recognized that a part of me (the Wounded Self) believed if I didn’t beat myself up over this situation that I might make a similar mistake again. It believed that if it didn’t punish me and make me feel really bad around my past decision, then I might devolve into a person who would never have any integrity again (or worse, I would continue to be a person with no integrity).

I’m so glad I took the time to examine my thoughts and to realize that they were wrong—a single bad decision does not make me a bad person.

I love when I looked at the Truth I saw with clarity that I could have made a better decision, and if it happened again, it would be highly probable I would.

Yet before I arrived at the Truth, I went down all kinds of negative mental pathways.

I thought of all the things that could have gone wrong. I thought of doing the “right thing” and then being punished for it. I thought of all the ways I could have acted better then beat myself up for choosing the “wrong” path.

I know I’m not alone in the mess the mind makes. I’m not the only person who has made a mistake and then has proceeded to beat myself up for it—falsely believing that self-berating is the key to never doing it again and therefore “being a good person”.

Today’s Contemplation:

Is there a mistake that you are currently beating yourself up over? It could be due to a lack of personal integrity, such as my situation, or it could have been because of an honest error?

Just allow yourself to sit and fully feel the feelings regarding this situation. Assure yourself (your Inner Child) that it is okay to feel whatever feelings arise. Notice if you feel the need to beat yourself up and make yourself wrong.

Finally put your hand on your heart and go to your own Higher Guidance, and ask. What is the Truth about this situation? What is the loving action I can take to put this mistake to rest?

Alright, dear one. We all make mistakes. How we treat ourselves when they occur can make all the difference. 

I pray you choose to treat yourself with kindness and love.

xoxo,

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Today’s Featured Image: “You Need Light In The Forest” by Mish Sukharev on Flickr

7 comments on “How Do I Forgive Myself When I’ve Lacked Integrity In My Actions?”

  1. When I make a mistake along the lines of what you describe, Misty, I do not try to recreate the situation in my mind and bring up any feelings associated with it. I find this to be counterproductive. When you bring up the mistake and the emotions surrounding it you are simply resurrecting it and giving it your energy. There’s an expression that’s been popular here at Sunrise Ranch recently and it goes like this: “Where your attention goes, your energy flows and that thing grows.” Give your attention to the mistake and associated feelings and that’s what grows. Is that what we want to grow?

    What I want to grow is the loving action I can take in the present circumstance. When I’m focused on that the past mistake disappears from my consciousness; it dissolves into the nothingness from which it came. And I don’t have to reach out to Higher Guidance to determine what loving action I should take. I’m already coming from there.

    As long as we continue to insist on living in separation from the Higher Guidance/Power that we inherently are mistakes, problems and an assortment of thorny issues will continue to plague us and we will feel obliged to struggle with these things. I hope my words are a call to rise up out of mere human identity and into oneness with the Creator Beings, the Angelic Beings, the Divine Beings that we incarnated on earth to be. This “primal spirituality” is what we teach here at Sunrise Ranch and a return to it is ultimately the only hope for humanity.

    • I guess I’m a bit confused, Jerry. I personally have all sorts of feelings pop up through out the day. I don’t consciously intend to create or recreate a negative emotion from past mistakes. They just arise. I think you may interpret that I intend to communicate we purposely dwell on mistakes in order to produce an emotion. My intention to share what one can do when negative feelings arise. I think they arise so we can heal the pain that resides within.

      And I personally need to find the loving action when a painful emotion surfaces, but it’s nice to know that one can arrive at a place in life where you are constantly living in truth and this may no longer be necessary.

      • What can one do when negative feelings arise? I simply look at them, maybe learn something from them and then let them go. Just because you have a negative feeling, even a very strong negative feeling, doesn’t mean you have to express it and submit to its control. You have the power of choice. If you don’t give energy to the feeling, it will go away. Sometimes a little laughter helps.

        • Today Sean started laughing and couldn’t stop. We’ve been struggling with the dogs next door barking constantly. Our neighbors started with four dogs, and now they have six. My mind has been filled with stressful thoughts and the barking is affecting my health. Today Sean said he got the picture in his mind that every time we came home there would be more and more dogs until the whole back yard was filled with dogs. Then they’d start piling up on top of one another—hundreds, then thousands, and hundreds of thousands.

          And you know me, I thought that was pretty funny, too, and the laughter really helped to lighten the strain.

          I can see how letting go of stressful thoughts instead of playing them over and over again helps. Thanks, Jerry.

  2. Thank you for this post, Misty. This really resonates with me because I’ve been beating myself up over a poor decision I made recently. In truth I’ve been avoiding feeling my feelings, and I realize after reading this article that I could get a lot from allowing myself to just be present with my feelings. I’ve been avoiding even thinking about this situation because it has been painful, but as you know, if you avoid it, it just keeps popping up. Thank you for reminding me that I am not a bad person because I made a poor decision. Thank you for reminding me to feel my feelings fully and check in with my Higher Power. It has allowed me to reconnect with the truth of who I am. ♡♡♡

    • You are welcome, Terri. I agree. I know for many of us find it difficult to feel our feelings fully. Most of us will do anything to distract ourselves from feeling bad—even subconsciously.

      Here are some things that help me personally. I choose to see a reoccurring painful memory, such as the situation you referred to, as a gift. It pops up over and over because it needs my loving attention, and it’s a treasure that yearns to be explored. When I view my painful feelings or painful memories as a treasure that desires to be excavated and explored, I naturally gives myself permission to sit with these feelings and feel them fully. I also remind myself that this emotion is just energy, and it will pass through my body if I feel it fully. I think this is what these memories are doing. Just triggering us to feel them fully and release them.

      That said, it’s still not easy for me. My boyfriend has pointed out several times when I’ve been avoiding fully a feeling fully, and I was blind to doing this. It certainly helps to carve out time to feel our feelings fully, as well as, to have a trusted friend or therapist hold space for us, too. Thanks for your comment!

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